My Dad Always Said We Both Wouldn't Make It Through The Amazing Race Alive...

Watching "The Amazing Race" was a family affair.  Even though I've always been TERRIBLE with directions...and being on time...and not forgetting things, I always secretly hoped that if my dad really decided to try out for the show, that he would choose me as his partner.  After all, my sister wasn't so good at compromise and my brother didn't really seem to be as in to the show as the rest of us.  I thought for sure that my adventurous heart and my "easy going" nature (how jaded I was about myself!) would make me the number one choice in my dad's eyes.

Well my childhood dreams have come true!  My Father has chosen me and an amazing race it will be, but not the kind shown on television.  Not the kind with built in checkpoints where you receive your money, clues, travel and sleeping arrangements, and the freedom to choose your route for the next leg.  This is a race my heavenly Father has called me to.  A race with a chance to love, serve, pray, worship, work, disciple, give, teach, and lead.  A race to change lives.  A race to change me.  A race to know Him.  11 months. 11 countries: Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Philippines, Thailand, Cambodia, India, Nepal, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda.  A chance for life change.  A chance for love change.

There are so many "impossible" things that threaten to hold me back.  So many "what ifs/what abouts" from people around me.  "What about your new house?"  It'll be here.  "What about Slim Dog?"  She has always been pretty independent...she can take care of herself ;)  "What about your job?"  There will never be a shortage of struggling kiddos that need extra help.  I may not have the same job, but I trust the Lord to provide.  "What about your bills?"  What bills?  I'm selling my car, so no payments or insurance..so I'm good to go there!  "What about Jeff?"  I broke my commitment to God to pursue a relationship with him that I thought I was ready for.  I'm figuring out now, that the Lord told me to wait before (I disobeyed) and now He is telling me to wait again.  "You just received National Board Certification after all of that hard work, how could you walk away from that much money?" I'll miss out on one year of the stipend...what is one year?  All of the questions that everyone, including myself, continue to ask all make this experience sound impossible to pull off.  Impossible is just God's cup of tea.  

 God has been setting things up for this mission quite nicely.  Here is a quick rundown of the Lord's handiwork: applied and was not accepted to grad school at CIU (I would have never left in the middle of grad school), wrecked and totaled my car one payment shy of paying it off (teaching me that I should not store up my treasures on Earth) which makes selling the car I drive now to pay for the mission an absolute non issue,  National Board Certification (helps tie up some of the financial loose ends for the trip), and I'm sure there are more revelations to come over the next several months.  

God is good.  God is in control. And God has called me to meet him on an amazing race he has prepared for me.  I will lose the direction that the world sees as reasonable.  I will be late on the world's expectations of marriage, kids, career, etc.  And I will forget all that the world has taught me and focus on what He wants to teach me.  I AM the number one choice in my Father's eyes. 

Romans 5: 3-4 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

Not So Popular Perry

Perry...that was "his" name.  When I tell you who Perry is, you'll have two immediate thoughts: 1) That is gross. 2) Why on Earth would you blog about that?  Just bear with me while I explain...

Wren Matawaran

In the summer of 2011, I spent three weeks traveling through the Philippines, Thailand, and Singapore with some VERY dear friends of mine to celebrate their wedding. 

 **Side note** I recently have been blessed with this little treasure, whom I now proudly call my Goddaughter.

On this trip, I traveled.  I ate.  I got massages.  I ate some more.  I got pampered.  I ate.  I was welcomed and served by my friend's family.  Have I mentioned eating yet?  I saw creation like I have never experienced it before.  I traveled and ate some more.  I rode elephants, played with tigers, visited temples.  All the while, continuing to eat.  Here are some photos of the events described above...

Darkness to Light

You hide yourself 

deep inside my heart

To break me down 

That's where you start

Selfish, manipulative, and ugly deeds

You prey on my weaknesses

That's where you feed

Lord cure me of this sickness

Save me from this disease

This pride that fills me up inside

Father take it from me please

I want to live for you, My God

But myself gets in the way

I want to live for you, Oh Lord

Each and every day

So bury Yourself 

deep inside my heart

From me don't ever part

Replace this pride 

with love and peace

Cover my sins 

with grace that will never cease

You make yourself known every day

In every relationship you cause decay

Doubt, fear, and unbelief

You've done enough damage

caused enough grief 

Lord cure me of this sickness

Save me from this disease

Insecurity eats away at me

God save me from it please

Bury yourself deep inside my heart

From me don't ever part

Replace my insecurity

with strength and unwavering trust

Show me mercy through every trial

with a love that's true and just

I want to live for you, My God

But myself gets in the way

I want to live for you, Oh Lord

Each and every day

Insecurity and Pride are no longer for me

My truth is in You

My soul is set free 

My soul is set free

These Walls Are Built Like Jericho

These walls I've built for years and years
cemented together with hurt and with tears.
The higher they climb, the further the falls
Insecurities and fears are what make up these walls.

I've pleaded with God to take them away
to send in the troops, so that someone could stay.
I wait for the horn and the trumpet to sound
I wait for these walls to come crumbling down.

Why am I stuck here? Why can't I leave?
Why can't I read what He says, and believe.
I know He is marching outside of the gate
I just hope I find courage before it's too late.

Joshua 6:1-2 "Now Jericho was tightly shut up because of the Israelites.  No one went out and no one came in.  Then the Lord said to Joshua, "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands, along with its kind and its fighting men."

We Walk The Plank With Our Eyes Wide Open

People make mistakes.  Sometimes people make the same mistakes more than once.  But what is the difference between a believer's mistakes and a nonbeliever's mistakes?  They don't see things the way we see them.  They use standards set by society to determine right and wrong.  Their eyes are closed to the things we have been blessed to see.  But what is our excuse?  When we sin, we can't claim ignorance.  We can't profess that we didn't know.  When we get caught up in a stronghold of sin, we walk the plank with our eyes wide open. 

I've been struggling to understand the meaning of unconditional love, or agape love, from the giving and the receiving side.  Agape love is defined as selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love, the highest of the four types of love in the Bible.  Selfless. Sacrificial. Unconditional. Wow.  As humans, as sinners, is that really possible?  Through my experiences with family, friends, and relationships I have developed a strong skepticism toward this so called "unconditional love".  Unconditional love starts with understanding God's love and then loving yourself, not in an arrogant or self-absorbed way, but in a forgiving and understanding way.  My skepticism is rooted in an ongoing battle I continue to fight with insecurity...an inability to view myself as worthy of unconditional love or capable of unconditionally loving someone else.  I have always felt, and still feel, that if I "do something wrong" or disappoint someone, that is the end.  Their feelings, ideas, perceptions, and beliefs about me have changed and will not ever be the same again.  I live in fear of disappointing people...of disappointing God.  This fear permeates my relationships and daily interactions with people.  This fear is sin.  This fear is me questioning the Truth that God promises in the Bible.  I've been walking this plank for far too long.  I'm turning away from the violent sea that has hovered beneath me for many years and seeking an understanding of love that is patient, love that is kind.  Love that does not envy or boast, and that is not proud.  Love that does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, and is not easily angered.  Love that keeps no records of wrongs...no matter the size or severity of those wrongs.  Love that does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth...even if the truth hurts.  Love that always protects, ALWAYS trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  

"Many people have traveled this world with different dreams, purposes and aspirations. Many are masters, teachers, inventors and followers. They were all sent by the creator of the universe to achieve one just course; “global peace and unification.” But this course cannot be achieved without unconditional love, which possesses the magical powers of the Divine for transformation. When the human race embraces love unconditional, then the lost will be found, the naked will be clothed, the hungry will be fed, the bombs will be destroyed and there will be peace and unity which will make us all to speak one language, “LOVE”.  Let love abide  ." -Philip D. Brown

Quick Update...

Just a quick update on the progress toward the goals I set for myself this year...

Myrtle Beach Marathon- February 18, 2011  Completed

National Board Certification information due- March 31, 2011  Completed the portfolio entries, but not feeling confident about it...took the assessment portion last Thursday and did not prepare at all.  Procrastination got the best of me on this one.  The official word won't be out until November, but I feel sure I'll be going for round two next year. But a few extra prayers would be nice...

Take the GRE (ugh)- Sometime before March 31, 2011 Completed...and hated every second of it!

Apply to Columbia International for Masters of Arts in Counseling- Applications due March 31, 2011 Completed, but not accepted.  Long story, crappy situation...but bottom line...being divorced for only a year kept me from getting accepted to the program.  So what now?

Pay off debt- Before August 1, 2011 Still working on this one...slow and steady

Buy a house- Sometime in the next year Became very discouraged about this one after my first couple offers were not accepted, stopped looking for a while, seller called a month and a half later to say she would accept my last offer.  The loan closing process has been everything but smooth and exciting, but I sealed the deal and am officially a homeowner.  So excited to start making it my own:)

Mud Run- April 2011 Completed (I admit to being the weakest link, didn't keep up the running like I should have after the marathons) Looking forward to being a little stronger in October!

Get more involved at church and in the community Still have a lot more to do and a lot more to learn!

Remain single (and date free) for a year (October 21, 2011-October 21, 2012) Yeah, um..about that...I wish I could just backspace over this last goal and pretend like I had never made it, but here it sits.  For now, let's just say...it's complicated, in an absolutely uncomplicated way.

You Can't Play Hide and Seek

Hide and seek may have been fun back in the day, but I'm not really getting the same excitement out of these days.  My legs are too long to fit under the bed.  My laugh is too loud to keep quiet for that long and I am too tall to fold myself up into a plastic tub or box.  It's just no fun anymore.  No matter where I try to hide someone will still be able to see me, but here I lay underneath the bed with my feet sticking out from under it...hiding.  From who? I'm the only one playing...

Just as with Adam and Eve, sin sends us into hiding, running for the dark.  The more we allow it to permeate our lives, the deeper into the dark we try to hide.  The more we try to forget that we can still be seen.

I've been playing this game of hide and seek with God for the last three weeks or so (hence the reason I haven't blogged in so long).  I've had no inspiration.  I've allowed road blocks to send me running to the dark.  It's amazing how fast I've slipped after cutting the source of communication, His Word, out of my daily life.  I'm too tired, I'm working too much, I have deadlines to meet, etc have been a few of the lies that I've welcomed into my heart.  I feel like Paul in Romans 7: 15-19, "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."

Although it seems like Paul is hung up on his inability to do what he knows is right, he goes on to tell us of the grace and mercy offered through Jesus Christ.  I have no reason to hide in the dark.  God promises in Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." I've been playing the game all wrong.  I need to switch it up a bit.  I'll be 'it'.  I'll be the seeker.  I'm guaranteed the win when I play by His rules.

"Understand this, You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.  You are passionately hated by his Enemy." Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge"