Don't Forget Where You Came From

4:00am came very early this past Saturday.  I tried not to think about the run, or the pain that I had been feeling on the entire drive down to the beach.  I fumbled around in the dark trying to get dressed without waking Michelle and the kids.  I was sure that in my sleepy haze I was going to forget something.  I was walking out the door right on time, which is rare for me, to wait for the cab out front.  


It was pretty cold outside when I got dropped off at the starting line, so I found a gas station to keep warm in until it was time to run.  It was about an hour before the start and a few people trickled in and out.  All I could do was stand there.  I didn't want to move.  I didn't want to warm up.  I didn't want to stretch.  I was trying to keep my mind away from anything that had to do with running.  About 15 minutes before the gun, the line for the restroom began to grow and the excitement and nervous energy from everyone permeated the entire place.  I still felt like I was half asleep, but I decided it would be best to jump in line for the restroom one last time.  


I was standing behind two girls who looked to be a couple of years older than me and in great shape.  They were talking about their training, past races and their goals for this race.  I listened for a while, then let the dumbest question ever come out of my mouth.  "So, you guys are ONLY doing the half today?" Insert foot into mouth.  I tried to blame that comment on the fact that I hadn't had any coffee yet, but they didn't seem amused.  The looks on their faces quickly reminded me where I had come from.  What was I talking about, "only".  I had never done any more than a half marathon before, so why was I trying to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal?  I remember when running 3 miles seemed like a lot.  I apologized for being an insensitive idiot and wished them both a good run, then walked away thinking, "Ok, big shot...now you've got to run 26.2 miles because running half of that would just be too easy."  


Why do we do that?  Why do we, once we reach a new level -whether in fitness, education, spirituality,  job status, etc.-, tend to totally forget what it took to get there?  And, even worse, why do we look down on those who aren't where we are...even though we used to be in that very same place?  


God has really been working in me these past few weeks to remind me that, although setting and accomplishing goals is important, we should not forget what it took to get there.  Physically, I have come a long way in the past few years.  I've gone from running a 5k here and there to running a few 10k's, two half marathon's and now a full marathon.  I went from not having ridden a bike since I was a kid to riding my bike across the state of Iowa...twice.  Spiritually, I've grown from a church goer to a Christ follower who has a deep and intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe.  

If I forget struggling through a 3 mile run, what makes running a marathon an accomplishment?  If I forget that I once struggled to complete an undergraduate program, what makes getting a Master's degree challenging?  If I forget that I once was extremely far from God and running in the opposite direction of His will, would I understand His grace as intimately as I do now?

Pay attention to those who are climbing the same ladder as you...even if they haven't quite reached the same heights.  Help, encourage and pray for them.  When we remember where we came from, the victories along the path to where we are going seem so much sweeter. 

"There was my name up in lights. I said, 'God, somebody's made a mistake.' But there it was, in lights. And I sat there and said, 'Remember, you're not a star.' Yet there it was up in lights." ~Marilyn Monroe

Goal vs. Expectation

Goal: The purpose toward which an endeavor is directed; an objective
Expectation: An attitude of expectancy or hope; anticipation


Can these words be used interchangeably?  What's the difference?  Does an expectation contain some sense of entitlement, while a goal is just something to strive for?  Are goals something we make for ourselves and expectations things that others hold us to?  I've been struggling with these two words for the last few weeks and I haven't completely nailed down the answer for myself.  


As much as I would like to convince myself that I have no expectations for the marathon tomorrow, my head has been consistently and constantly trying to convince me otherwise.


When things were going well in the training process, it seemed like a legitimate goal was to complete the marathon with an average pace of 8 minutes 30 seconds per mile.  I didn't mind that goal because it seemed like something I could accomplish and be proud of.  After two months of crazy pain and bad run after bad run, that pace seems to be completely out of the realm of possibility.  The breakdown in my legs has moved from my shins, to my calves, to my hips and now to my head.


I am more scared of mentally breaking down than physically.  I know it will be hard.  I know I will be tired.  I know I will be in pain.  But will I be able to make it through?  I keep telling myself that finishing will be the accomplishment.  It doesn't matter how long it takes.  But every time I have that thought, the mind games begin...and doubt takes a not so comfortable spot in the forefront of my mind.


I don't like setting a goal for my self and not reaching it.  I don't like changing goals in the middle of the process because it seems like I won't meet them.  I feel like changing the goal is making an excuse for not meeting the original goal...a way to avoid failure.  I feel the need to share my goals with other people to make sure there are people holding me accountable (which is where I think they turn into expectations?) Either way, whether voiced or kept silent, goals and expectations exist and they can either make or break you.


As I write, I feel humbled because I know that my feelings of anxiety and fear come from a place of pride and not lack of ability.  I am going to choose to swallow my pride and confess that my new goal (or expectation?) for myself is to finish the race. Period.  My motivation in the beginning was, and still is, "to work toward a goal that, without Him, would seem impossible."  So today I am going to be still and tomorrow I will just keep running.


"Be still and know that I am God." ~Psalm 46:10

No Need to Reinvent The Wheel

It's been a busy couple of weeks and I haven't had time to post.  However, I have been reading a lot of stuff that other people have blogged about.  So, I'm going to just share some of the things I've come across over the last few days...

 

Awesome...even if October comes and goes, I will continue to wait until I meet the person that understands this concept.  When God shows me that person, I want to be at a point that I continue to love Him more than him.

Along those same lines..."How Do You Know When You're Ready to Date?"

Another thing I want to have a strong handle on before I date again...boundaries.

"Without Boundaries, Your Life Will Suck"

If you struggle with this too, I highly recommend reading the book Boundaries, by Steve Townsend.  It brought up some ugly truths for me.  It's a daily struggle to keep from "people pleasing", but I can say that I've come a long way since reading this book.  Don't get me wrong, I still love to do things for other people. I have just realized that there is a healthier way to accomplish that....and the word "no" isn't a bad thing.

I just started a new read, Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  I've only made it through the first few chapters and it's already gotten my attention.  Here's a little preview...

Now here’s the good news: if you do pray, all bets are off. You can live with holy anticipation because you never know how or when or where God is going to answer, but promise you this, He will answer. And His answers are not limited by your
requests. We pray out of our ignorance, but God answers out of His omniscience. We pray out of our impotence, but God answers out of His omnipotence. God has the ability to answer the prayers we should have prayed but lacked the knowledge or ability to even ask.

Too often, I let doubt and fear run my prayer life.  It's time to move toward praying prayers that depend completely and boldly on God's power.  There is no place for doubt when His word is filled with so many promises...and God doesn't break promises.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."  ~John 14:27 ESV