These Walls Are Built Like Jericho

These walls I've built for years and years
cemented together with hurt and with tears.
The higher they climb, the further the falls
Insecurities and fears are what make up these walls.

I've pleaded with God to take them away
to send in the troops, so that someone could stay.
I wait for the horn and the trumpet to sound
I wait for these walls to come crumbling down.

Why am I stuck here? Why can't I leave?
Why can't I read what He says, and believe.
I know He is marching outside of the gate
I just hope I find courage before it's too late.

Joshua 6:1-2 "Now Jericho was tightly shut up because of the Israelites.  No one went out and no one came in.  Then the Lord said to Joshua, "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands, along with its kind and its fighting men."

We Walk The Plank With Our Eyes Wide Open

People make mistakes.  Sometimes people make the same mistakes more than once.  But what is the difference between a believer's mistakes and a nonbeliever's mistakes?  They don't see things the way we see them.  They use standards set by society to determine right and wrong.  Their eyes are closed to the things we have been blessed to see.  But what is our excuse?  When we sin, we can't claim ignorance.  We can't profess that we didn't know.  When we get caught up in a stronghold of sin, we walk the plank with our eyes wide open. 

I've been struggling to understand the meaning of unconditional love, or agape love, from the giving and the receiving side.  Agape love is defined as selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love, the highest of the four types of love in the Bible.  Selfless. Sacrificial. Unconditional. Wow.  As humans, as sinners, is that really possible?  Through my experiences with family, friends, and relationships I have developed a strong skepticism toward this so called "unconditional love".  Unconditional love starts with understanding God's love and then loving yourself, not in an arrogant or self-absorbed way, but in a forgiving and understanding way.  My skepticism is rooted in an ongoing battle I continue to fight with insecurity...an inability to view myself as worthy of unconditional love or capable of unconditionally loving someone else.  I have always felt, and still feel, that if I "do something wrong" or disappoint someone, that is the end.  Their feelings, ideas, perceptions, and beliefs about me have changed and will not ever be the same again.  I live in fear of disappointing people...of disappointing God.  This fear permeates my relationships and daily interactions with people.  This fear is sin.  This fear is me questioning the Truth that God promises in the Bible.  I've been walking this plank for far too long.  I'm turning away from the violent sea that has hovered beneath me for many years and seeking an understanding of love that is patient, love that is kind.  Love that does not envy or boast, and that is not proud.  Love that does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, and is not easily angered.  Love that keeps no records of wrongs...no matter the size or severity of those wrongs.  Love that does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth...even if the truth hurts.  Love that always protects, ALWAYS trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  

"Many people have traveled this world with different dreams, purposes and aspirations. Many are masters, teachers, inventors and followers. They were all sent by the creator of the universe to achieve one just course; “global peace and unification.” But this course cannot be achieved without unconditional love, which possesses the magical powers of the Divine for transformation. When the human race embraces love unconditional, then the lost will be found, the naked will be clothed, the hungry will be fed, the bombs will be destroyed and there will be peace and unity which will make us all to speak one language, “LOVE”.  Let love abide  ." -Philip D. Brown

Quick Update...

Just a quick update on the progress toward the goals I set for myself this year...

Myrtle Beach Marathon- February 18, 2011  Completed

National Board Certification information due- March 31, 2011  Completed the portfolio entries, but not feeling confident about it...took the assessment portion last Thursday and did not prepare at all.  Procrastination got the best of me on this one.  The official word won't be out until November, but I feel sure I'll be going for round two next year. But a few extra prayers would be nice...

Take the GRE (ugh)- Sometime before March 31, 2011 Completed...and hated every second of it!

Apply to Columbia International for Masters of Arts in Counseling- Applications due March 31, 2011 Completed, but not accepted.  Long story, crappy situation...but bottom line...being divorced for only a year kept me from getting accepted to the program.  So what now?

Pay off debt- Before August 1, 2011 Still working on this one...slow and steady

Buy a house- Sometime in the next year Became very discouraged about this one after my first couple offers were not accepted, stopped looking for a while, seller called a month and a half later to say she would accept my last offer.  The loan closing process has been everything but smooth and exciting, but I sealed the deal and am officially a homeowner.  So excited to start making it my own:)

Mud Run- April 2011 Completed (I admit to being the weakest link, didn't keep up the running like I should have after the marathons) Looking forward to being a little stronger in October!

Get more involved at church and in the community Still have a lot more to do and a lot more to learn!

Remain single (and date free) for a year (October 21, 2011-October 21, 2012) Yeah, um..about that...I wish I could just backspace over this last goal and pretend like I had never made it, but here it sits.  For now, let's just say...it's complicated, in an absolutely uncomplicated way.

You Can't Play Hide and Seek

Hide and seek may have been fun back in the day, but I'm not really getting the same excitement out of these days.  My legs are too long to fit under the bed.  My laugh is too loud to keep quiet for that long and I am too tall to fold myself up into a plastic tub or box.  It's just no fun anymore.  No matter where I try to hide someone will still be able to see me, but here I lay underneath the bed with my feet sticking out from under it...hiding.  From who? I'm the only one playing...

Just as with Adam and Eve, sin sends us into hiding, running for the dark.  The more we allow it to permeate our lives, the deeper into the dark we try to hide.  The more we try to forget that we can still be seen.

I've been playing this game of hide and seek with God for the last three weeks or so (hence the reason I haven't blogged in so long).  I've had no inspiration.  I've allowed road blocks to send me running to the dark.  It's amazing how fast I've slipped after cutting the source of communication, His Word, out of my daily life.  I'm too tired, I'm working too much, I have deadlines to meet, etc have been a few of the lies that I've welcomed into my heart.  I feel like Paul in Romans 7: 15-19, "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."

Although it seems like Paul is hung up on his inability to do what he knows is right, he goes on to tell us of the grace and mercy offered through Jesus Christ.  I have no reason to hide in the dark.  God promises in Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." I've been playing the game all wrong.  I need to switch it up a bit.  I'll be 'it'.  I'll be the seeker.  I'm guaranteed the win when I play by His rules.

"Understand this, You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.  You are passionately hated by his Enemy." Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge"

In This Season

In the last month, I completed the Myrtle Beach Marathon, took the GRE, started leading my small group through the book of Romans and put an offer in on a house.  Then, to add a little icing to the cake, I also threw in the Columbia Famously Hot Marathon just for kicks.  You would think that, after crossing some major goals off of my list, I would feel empowered and motivated to keep pushing forward, right?  Well, it seems that the more I get accomplished, the more my focus shifts to the fact that I have no one to share these accomplishments with. 


I definitely am not going to let this post follow the "debbie downer" trend that it began with because, through a pretty rough week, God has revealed Himself to me in some pretty awesome ways.  Yes, I am confused about some aspects of my life.  Yes, I am not sure that the direction I am heading in is exactly where He wants me to end up.  Yes, I feel lonely and scared sometimes of what the future holds for me in terms of a relationship.  But...God is good, He is faithful, He keeps His promises and He promises that I will never be alone.  He promises that he has the best planned for me and that He is working everything together for my good and His glory.  


This weekend, the Truth that He is working everything together was made absolutely clear to me.  I may have blinked a little last week, but my eyes have once again been opened.  I'll elaborate...


To make a long story short...I have been trying to release certain feelings and attachments with a certain someone to God, so that I can be a true friend without a selfish agenda behind our friendship.  Last weekend, my friend made an innocent proposition about running the marathon together, but plans never materialized.  Nevertheless, I signed up for the Columbia Marathon on Thursday night after a week of letting anxiety, pride, anger and confusion rule my thoughts.  Bottom line, running the marathon was a chance to spend time together without breaking my "no dating" commitment and I was disappointed that it didn't happen.  

The entire week I was focused on me, which makes it extremely hard to focus on Christ.  I tried to read and study my Bible.  I tried to go to Him in prayer, instead of talking with other people about it, but fear just seemed to consume me.  I had even encouraged a lady in my small group, just a few days before, with Lamentations 3:22...and there I was allowing myself to be absolutely consumed. 


I had no plan for the race, no goal in mind.  I was just going to run out all of the emotions that had been building up the last few days.  I started the run with a small group of guys following the 4hr 15min. pacers.  The whole time I was running, I knew that to jump down from a 4:28 finish to a 4:15 finish on a much harder course (especially after not running more than a 5k since the marathon three weekends ago) was a little ambitious.  I decided to just hang with this group for as long as possible.  Andy and Joe were our Fleet Feet pacers.  They made running look fun.  They made running a marathon look easy...exhibit A

I tried to not focus on running and concentrated on listening to everyone's conversations about their next goals, their reasons for running, etc.  During those conversations, someone caught my attention with the mention of completing an Ironman.  Denny, a 59 year old Ironman, was running with his son, Kevin, in his first marathon...exhibit B

We all stayed together for the first lap (13 miles), but I began to slow down once we started to hit the hills for the second time.  I was so happy to find that Denny and Kevin had also taken a break from the pacing group.  Their encouragement to keep pushing and stay with them was absolutely inspiring.  I made small talk here and there, just to keep my mind from wandering to the pain.  Anytime I would start to slow down, they would continue at their steady pace and encourage me to catch back up.  I never let them get too far ahead because I knew I needed their encouragement to make it through.  Although I didn't have a t-shirt with my name, they made sure that each group of supporters we passed cheered for me by name as much as they cheered for them.  Two complete strangers had become my biggest fans.  They seemed dedicated to helping me beat my previous time.


The three of us finished the race in 4 hours and 28 minutes, 4 minutes faster than the Myrtle Beach marathon.  I asked Kevin for his email address because I wanted to be able to write and thank them for being so encouraging.  After the race, I was ready to let go of the feelings I had let drain me from the week before.  

Monday morning, I received an email from Kevin.  He had some pictures he wanted to share, as well as a neat website to help me keep track of my race results.  In one of the emails, Kevin mentioned that his dad, Denny, kept a blog of his training (denny.gillen.me) and that if I ever wanted to start logging my training online, they would love to follow.  I sent him the link to my blog, with the disclosure that it included many aspects of my life and was not specific to training.  I checked my email a few hours later and had this response from Kevin (I hope he doesn't mind me sharing a bit of it):

"I read through the first couple pages of entries on your blog.  It is great to see God's grace at work in your life. Sounds like a difficult year, but the growth has been tremendous.  Reading this confirms the suspicions that Dad and I had, that you, too, were a believer."


This email hit me like a ton of bricks.  Denny and Kevin ran with me in that race to remind me that, although I might not have someone to call my own, God has placed his people all around me to encourage me, comfort me and show me that I will never be alone.  

"The fulfillment of God's promise depends entirely on trusting God and his way, and then simply embracing him and what he does.  When everything seems hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God says he would do.  He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said."~ adapted from The Message Romans 4:16-21


So thank you again, Denny and Kevin, for opening my eyes to see God's grace and mercy at work around me.  "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." (1 Corinthians 9:24)  We have already run the race and we get to live every day with the prize!

"In this season, I am learning...You're not silent or slow.  If you only, give me more of You...it will always be enough.  You are the prize.  You are the prize." ~ lyrics from "Richly Loved" by Ashley and Travis Wright, http://wrightfamilymusic.bandcamp.com/track/richly-loved

When Hindsight Becomes A Hindrance

Jesus Christ died on the cross...for me.  Period. End of story, right?  Wouldn't things be so much easier if everyone knew that, believed and accepted that, and saw other people as someone Christ died for, as well? 

Unfortunately, we live in a society that never lets people forget when they make a mistake.  People's mistakes are printed in magazines, newspapers, posted on websites, social networking sites, etc.  When someone messes up, it somehow becomes everyone's business. 


Like most people, I have baggage.  If I were to take a trip, the amount of baggage I have would probably sustain me for quite some time.  When I was younger and my family would go on vacation, my dad would load all of our luggage on top of the car and we head down the road to our destination.  I always used to imagined the luggage falling off the back of the car and all of our stuff being scattered across the interstate.  Did I have anything in my bags that would be embarrassing for someone else to see?  Would I be able to clean everything up before anyone noticed that I had packed three Eeyore sweatshirts and fifteen different colored turtlenecks?


Getting back into the dating scene after being separated was definitely a scary place. I felt like my baggage was about to burst at the seams.  Not only had I made some extremely dumb decisions through college (that would definitely require some explanation), but now I had a pending divorce to add to my resume.  I tried really hard to convince myself that everything from my past was no one's business.  That it did not define me and I was not the same. The past should not matter and I should not have to share it with anyone.  I didn't want anyone to see what I had packed away and bound so tightly because, surely, it had no chance of spilling out on the interstate.


In the last year, I have realized the need to slowly start unpacking those bags and put away the embarrassing,  shameful, disappointing and guilt-ridden mistakes I made. Rehashing some of the situations and decisions I made in the past and "reliving" my journey through being lost, saved, distant and now home has brought out a lot of emotion.  I don't want to have to tell the person God has planned for me the things I've done.  I don't like looking back at who I used to be.  Especially knowing that, unlike God, people have a hard time letting go of past mistakes and failures.  People have a hard time seeing people for where they are going.  Instead, they see them for the crap they are carrying with them along the way.


God knew I would fail.  God knew I would make mistakes.  God knew I would disappoint someone at some point (or many points) in my life.  He knew all of those things and that is why he sent his only son to this earth...for me and every mistake I have ever made that has not honored and glorified Him as my Heavenly Father.  Hindsight is 20/20, but I won't let looking back take my focus off of God's plan for me in the future.  Instead of focusing on what was, I will focus on what is to come.  I will learn from my mistakes and then look ahead.  I will allow God to build my character, mold me and shape me through trials and tribulations.  I won't allow hindsight to be a hindrance by beating myself up with past mistakes.  I will meet someone that sees me through Godly lenses, instead of seeing me through the eyes of the world.  The debt has been paid and I am made brand new each day.  So I will just unpack my bags and make myself at home in the comfort of God's amazing grace and mercy.




"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~James 1:2-4

Don't Forget Where You Came From

4:00am came very early this past Saturday.  I tried not to think about the run, or the pain that I had been feeling on the entire drive down to the beach.  I fumbled around in the dark trying to get dressed without waking Michelle and the kids.  I was sure that in my sleepy haze I was going to forget something.  I was walking out the door right on time, which is rare for me, to wait for the cab out front.  


It was pretty cold outside when I got dropped off at the starting line, so I found a gas station to keep warm in until it was time to run.  It was about an hour before the start and a few people trickled in and out.  All I could do was stand there.  I didn't want to move.  I didn't want to warm up.  I didn't want to stretch.  I was trying to keep my mind away from anything that had to do with running.  About 15 minutes before the gun, the line for the restroom began to grow and the excitement and nervous energy from everyone permeated the entire place.  I still felt like I was half asleep, but I decided it would be best to jump in line for the restroom one last time.  


I was standing behind two girls who looked to be a couple of years older than me and in great shape.  They were talking about their training, past races and their goals for this race.  I listened for a while, then let the dumbest question ever come out of my mouth.  "So, you guys are ONLY doing the half today?" Insert foot into mouth.  I tried to blame that comment on the fact that I hadn't had any coffee yet, but they didn't seem amused.  The looks on their faces quickly reminded me where I had come from.  What was I talking about, "only".  I had never done any more than a half marathon before, so why was I trying to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal?  I remember when running 3 miles seemed like a lot.  I apologized for being an insensitive idiot and wished them both a good run, then walked away thinking, "Ok, big shot...now you've got to run 26.2 miles because running half of that would just be too easy."  


Why do we do that?  Why do we, once we reach a new level -whether in fitness, education, spirituality,  job status, etc.-, tend to totally forget what it took to get there?  And, even worse, why do we look down on those who aren't where we are...even though we used to be in that very same place?  


God has really been working in me these past few weeks to remind me that, although setting and accomplishing goals is important, we should not forget what it took to get there.  Physically, I have come a long way in the past few years.  I've gone from running a 5k here and there to running a few 10k's, two half marathon's and now a full marathon.  I went from not having ridden a bike since I was a kid to riding my bike across the state of Iowa...twice.  Spiritually, I've grown from a church goer to a Christ follower who has a deep and intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe.  

If I forget struggling through a 3 mile run, what makes running a marathon an accomplishment?  If I forget that I once struggled to complete an undergraduate program, what makes getting a Master's degree challenging?  If I forget that I once was extremely far from God and running in the opposite direction of His will, would I understand His grace as intimately as I do now?

Pay attention to those who are climbing the same ladder as you...even if they haven't quite reached the same heights.  Help, encourage and pray for them.  When we remember where we came from, the victories along the path to where we are going seem so much sweeter. 

"There was my name up in lights. I said, 'God, somebody's made a mistake.' But there it was, in lights. And I sat there and said, 'Remember, you're not a star.' Yet there it was up in lights." ~Marilyn Monroe