You Can't Play Hide and Seek

Hide and seek may have been fun back in the day, but I'm not really getting the same excitement out of these days.  My legs are too long to fit under the bed.  My laugh is too loud to keep quiet for that long and I am too tall to fold myself up into a plastic tub or box.  It's just no fun anymore.  No matter where I try to hide someone will still be able to see me, but here I lay underneath the bed with my feet sticking out from under it...hiding.  From who? I'm the only one playing...

Just as with Adam and Eve, sin sends us into hiding, running for the dark.  The more we allow it to permeate our lives, the deeper into the dark we try to hide.  The more we try to forget that we can still be seen.

I've been playing this game of hide and seek with God for the last three weeks or so (hence the reason I haven't blogged in so long).  I've had no inspiration.  I've allowed road blocks to send me running to the dark.  It's amazing how fast I've slipped after cutting the source of communication, His Word, out of my daily life.  I'm too tired, I'm working too much, I have deadlines to meet, etc have been a few of the lies that I've welcomed into my heart.  I feel like Paul in Romans 7: 15-19, "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."

Although it seems like Paul is hung up on his inability to do what he knows is right, he goes on to tell us of the grace and mercy offered through Jesus Christ.  I have no reason to hide in the dark.  God promises in Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." I've been playing the game all wrong.  I need to switch it up a bit.  I'll be 'it'.  I'll be the seeker.  I'm guaranteed the win when I play by His rules.

"Understand this, You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.  You are passionately hated by his Enemy." Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge"

In This Season

In the last month, I completed the Myrtle Beach Marathon, took the GRE, started leading my small group through the book of Romans and put an offer in on a house.  Then, to add a little icing to the cake, I also threw in the Columbia Famously Hot Marathon just for kicks.  You would think that, after crossing some major goals off of my list, I would feel empowered and motivated to keep pushing forward, right?  Well, it seems that the more I get accomplished, the more my focus shifts to the fact that I have no one to share these accomplishments with. 


I definitely am not going to let this post follow the "debbie downer" trend that it began with because, through a pretty rough week, God has revealed Himself to me in some pretty awesome ways.  Yes, I am confused about some aspects of my life.  Yes, I am not sure that the direction I am heading in is exactly where He wants me to end up.  Yes, I feel lonely and scared sometimes of what the future holds for me in terms of a relationship.  But...God is good, He is faithful, He keeps His promises and He promises that I will never be alone.  He promises that he has the best planned for me and that He is working everything together for my good and His glory.  


This weekend, the Truth that He is working everything together was made absolutely clear to me.  I may have blinked a little last week, but my eyes have once again been opened.  I'll elaborate...


To make a long story short...I have been trying to release certain feelings and attachments with a certain someone to God, so that I can be a true friend without a selfish agenda behind our friendship.  Last weekend, my friend made an innocent proposition about running the marathon together, but plans never materialized.  Nevertheless, I signed up for the Columbia Marathon on Thursday night after a week of letting anxiety, pride, anger and confusion rule my thoughts.  Bottom line, running the marathon was a chance to spend time together without breaking my "no dating" commitment and I was disappointed that it didn't happen.  

The entire week I was focused on me, which makes it extremely hard to focus on Christ.  I tried to read and study my Bible.  I tried to go to Him in prayer, instead of talking with other people about it, but fear just seemed to consume me.  I had even encouraged a lady in my small group, just a few days before, with Lamentations 3:22...and there I was allowing myself to be absolutely consumed. 


I had no plan for the race, no goal in mind.  I was just going to run out all of the emotions that had been building up the last few days.  I started the run with a small group of guys following the 4hr 15min. pacers.  The whole time I was running, I knew that to jump down from a 4:28 finish to a 4:15 finish on a much harder course (especially after not running more than a 5k since the marathon three weekends ago) was a little ambitious.  I decided to just hang with this group for as long as possible.  Andy and Joe were our Fleet Feet pacers.  They made running look fun.  They made running a marathon look easy...exhibit A

I tried to not focus on running and concentrated on listening to everyone's conversations about their next goals, their reasons for running, etc.  During those conversations, someone caught my attention with the mention of completing an Ironman.  Denny, a 59 year old Ironman, was running with his son, Kevin, in his first marathon...exhibit B

We all stayed together for the first lap (13 miles), but I began to slow down once we started to hit the hills for the second time.  I was so happy to find that Denny and Kevin had also taken a break from the pacing group.  Their encouragement to keep pushing and stay with them was absolutely inspiring.  I made small talk here and there, just to keep my mind from wandering to the pain.  Anytime I would start to slow down, they would continue at their steady pace and encourage me to catch back up.  I never let them get too far ahead because I knew I needed their encouragement to make it through.  Although I didn't have a t-shirt with my name, they made sure that each group of supporters we passed cheered for me by name as much as they cheered for them.  Two complete strangers had become my biggest fans.  They seemed dedicated to helping me beat my previous time.


The three of us finished the race in 4 hours and 28 minutes, 4 minutes faster than the Myrtle Beach marathon.  I asked Kevin for his email address because I wanted to be able to write and thank them for being so encouraging.  After the race, I was ready to let go of the feelings I had let drain me from the week before.  

Monday morning, I received an email from Kevin.  He had some pictures he wanted to share, as well as a neat website to help me keep track of my race results.  In one of the emails, Kevin mentioned that his dad, Denny, kept a blog of his training (denny.gillen.me) and that if I ever wanted to start logging my training online, they would love to follow.  I sent him the link to my blog, with the disclosure that it included many aspects of my life and was not specific to training.  I checked my email a few hours later and had this response from Kevin (I hope he doesn't mind me sharing a bit of it):

"I read through the first couple pages of entries on your blog.  It is great to see God's grace at work in your life. Sounds like a difficult year, but the growth has been tremendous.  Reading this confirms the suspicions that Dad and I had, that you, too, were a believer."


This email hit me like a ton of bricks.  Denny and Kevin ran with me in that race to remind me that, although I might not have someone to call my own, God has placed his people all around me to encourage me, comfort me and show me that I will never be alone.  

"The fulfillment of God's promise depends entirely on trusting God and his way, and then simply embracing him and what he does.  When everything seems hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God says he would do.  He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said."~ adapted from The Message Romans 4:16-21


So thank you again, Denny and Kevin, for opening my eyes to see God's grace and mercy at work around me.  "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." (1 Corinthians 9:24)  We have already run the race and we get to live every day with the prize!

"In this season, I am learning...You're not silent or slow.  If you only, give me more of You...it will always be enough.  You are the prize.  You are the prize." ~ lyrics from "Richly Loved" by Ashley and Travis Wright, http://wrightfamilymusic.bandcamp.com/track/richly-loved

When Hindsight Becomes A Hindrance

Jesus Christ died on the cross...for me.  Period. End of story, right?  Wouldn't things be so much easier if everyone knew that, believed and accepted that, and saw other people as someone Christ died for, as well? 

Unfortunately, we live in a society that never lets people forget when they make a mistake.  People's mistakes are printed in magazines, newspapers, posted on websites, social networking sites, etc.  When someone messes up, it somehow becomes everyone's business. 


Like most people, I have baggage.  If I were to take a trip, the amount of baggage I have would probably sustain me for quite some time.  When I was younger and my family would go on vacation, my dad would load all of our luggage on top of the car and we head down the road to our destination.  I always used to imagined the luggage falling off the back of the car and all of our stuff being scattered across the interstate.  Did I have anything in my bags that would be embarrassing for someone else to see?  Would I be able to clean everything up before anyone noticed that I had packed three Eeyore sweatshirts and fifteen different colored turtlenecks?


Getting back into the dating scene after being separated was definitely a scary place. I felt like my baggage was about to burst at the seams.  Not only had I made some extremely dumb decisions through college (that would definitely require some explanation), but now I had a pending divorce to add to my resume.  I tried really hard to convince myself that everything from my past was no one's business.  That it did not define me and I was not the same. The past should not matter and I should not have to share it with anyone.  I didn't want anyone to see what I had packed away and bound so tightly because, surely, it had no chance of spilling out on the interstate.


In the last year, I have realized the need to slowly start unpacking those bags and put away the embarrassing,  shameful, disappointing and guilt-ridden mistakes I made. Rehashing some of the situations and decisions I made in the past and "reliving" my journey through being lost, saved, distant and now home has brought out a lot of emotion.  I don't want to have to tell the person God has planned for me the things I've done.  I don't like looking back at who I used to be.  Especially knowing that, unlike God, people have a hard time letting go of past mistakes and failures.  People have a hard time seeing people for where they are going.  Instead, they see them for the crap they are carrying with them along the way.


God knew I would fail.  God knew I would make mistakes.  God knew I would disappoint someone at some point (or many points) in my life.  He knew all of those things and that is why he sent his only son to this earth...for me and every mistake I have ever made that has not honored and glorified Him as my Heavenly Father.  Hindsight is 20/20, but I won't let looking back take my focus off of God's plan for me in the future.  Instead of focusing on what was, I will focus on what is to come.  I will learn from my mistakes and then look ahead.  I will allow God to build my character, mold me and shape me through trials and tribulations.  I won't allow hindsight to be a hindrance by beating myself up with past mistakes.  I will meet someone that sees me through Godly lenses, instead of seeing me through the eyes of the world.  The debt has been paid and I am made brand new each day.  So I will just unpack my bags and make myself at home in the comfort of God's amazing grace and mercy.




"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~James 1:2-4

Don't Forget Where You Came From

4:00am came very early this past Saturday.  I tried not to think about the run, or the pain that I had been feeling on the entire drive down to the beach.  I fumbled around in the dark trying to get dressed without waking Michelle and the kids.  I was sure that in my sleepy haze I was going to forget something.  I was walking out the door right on time, which is rare for me, to wait for the cab out front.  


It was pretty cold outside when I got dropped off at the starting line, so I found a gas station to keep warm in until it was time to run.  It was about an hour before the start and a few people trickled in and out.  All I could do was stand there.  I didn't want to move.  I didn't want to warm up.  I didn't want to stretch.  I was trying to keep my mind away from anything that had to do with running.  About 15 minutes before the gun, the line for the restroom began to grow and the excitement and nervous energy from everyone permeated the entire place.  I still felt like I was half asleep, but I decided it would be best to jump in line for the restroom one last time.  


I was standing behind two girls who looked to be a couple of years older than me and in great shape.  They were talking about their training, past races and their goals for this race.  I listened for a while, then let the dumbest question ever come out of my mouth.  "So, you guys are ONLY doing the half today?" Insert foot into mouth.  I tried to blame that comment on the fact that I hadn't had any coffee yet, but they didn't seem amused.  The looks on their faces quickly reminded me where I had come from.  What was I talking about, "only".  I had never done any more than a half marathon before, so why was I trying to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal?  I remember when running 3 miles seemed like a lot.  I apologized for being an insensitive idiot and wished them both a good run, then walked away thinking, "Ok, big shot...now you've got to run 26.2 miles because running half of that would just be too easy."  


Why do we do that?  Why do we, once we reach a new level -whether in fitness, education, spirituality,  job status, etc.-, tend to totally forget what it took to get there?  And, even worse, why do we look down on those who aren't where we are...even though we used to be in that very same place?  


God has really been working in me these past few weeks to remind me that, although setting and accomplishing goals is important, we should not forget what it took to get there.  Physically, I have come a long way in the past few years.  I've gone from running a 5k here and there to running a few 10k's, two half marathon's and now a full marathon.  I went from not having ridden a bike since I was a kid to riding my bike across the state of Iowa...twice.  Spiritually, I've grown from a church goer to a Christ follower who has a deep and intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe.  

If I forget struggling through a 3 mile run, what makes running a marathon an accomplishment?  If I forget that I once struggled to complete an undergraduate program, what makes getting a Master's degree challenging?  If I forget that I once was extremely far from God and running in the opposite direction of His will, would I understand His grace as intimately as I do now?

Pay attention to those who are climbing the same ladder as you...even if they haven't quite reached the same heights.  Help, encourage and pray for them.  When we remember where we came from, the victories along the path to where we are going seem so much sweeter. 

"There was my name up in lights. I said, 'God, somebody's made a mistake.' But there it was, in lights. And I sat there and said, 'Remember, you're not a star.' Yet there it was up in lights." ~Marilyn Monroe

Goal vs. Expectation

Goal: The purpose toward which an endeavor is directed; an objective
Expectation: An attitude of expectancy or hope; anticipation


Can these words be used interchangeably?  What's the difference?  Does an expectation contain some sense of entitlement, while a goal is just something to strive for?  Are goals something we make for ourselves and expectations things that others hold us to?  I've been struggling with these two words for the last few weeks and I haven't completely nailed down the answer for myself.  


As much as I would like to convince myself that I have no expectations for the marathon tomorrow, my head has been consistently and constantly trying to convince me otherwise.


When things were going well in the training process, it seemed like a legitimate goal was to complete the marathon with an average pace of 8 minutes 30 seconds per mile.  I didn't mind that goal because it seemed like something I could accomplish and be proud of.  After two months of crazy pain and bad run after bad run, that pace seems to be completely out of the realm of possibility.  The breakdown in my legs has moved from my shins, to my calves, to my hips and now to my head.


I am more scared of mentally breaking down than physically.  I know it will be hard.  I know I will be tired.  I know I will be in pain.  But will I be able to make it through?  I keep telling myself that finishing will be the accomplishment.  It doesn't matter how long it takes.  But every time I have that thought, the mind games begin...and doubt takes a not so comfortable spot in the forefront of my mind.


I don't like setting a goal for my self and not reaching it.  I don't like changing goals in the middle of the process because it seems like I won't meet them.  I feel like changing the goal is making an excuse for not meeting the original goal...a way to avoid failure.  I feel the need to share my goals with other people to make sure there are people holding me accountable (which is where I think they turn into expectations?) Either way, whether voiced or kept silent, goals and expectations exist and they can either make or break you.


As I write, I feel humbled because I know that my feelings of anxiety and fear come from a place of pride and not lack of ability.  I am going to choose to swallow my pride and confess that my new goal (or expectation?) for myself is to finish the race. Period.  My motivation in the beginning was, and still is, "to work toward a goal that, without Him, would seem impossible."  So today I am going to be still and tomorrow I will just keep running.


"Be still and know that I am God." ~Psalm 46:10

No Need to Reinvent The Wheel

It's been a busy couple of weeks and I haven't had time to post.  However, I have been reading a lot of stuff that other people have blogged about.  So, I'm going to just share some of the things I've come across over the last few days...

 

Awesome...even if October comes and goes, I will continue to wait until I meet the person that understands this concept.  When God shows me that person, I want to be at a point that I continue to love Him more than him.

Along those same lines..."How Do You Know When You're Ready to Date?"

Another thing I want to have a strong handle on before I date again...boundaries.

"Without Boundaries, Your Life Will Suck"

If you struggle with this too, I highly recommend reading the book Boundaries, by Steve Townsend.  It brought up some ugly truths for me.  It's a daily struggle to keep from "people pleasing", but I can say that I've come a long way since reading this book.  Don't get me wrong, I still love to do things for other people. I have just realized that there is a healthier way to accomplish that....and the word "no" isn't a bad thing.

I just started a new read, Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  I've only made it through the first few chapters and it's already gotten my attention.  Here's a little preview...

Now here’s the good news: if you do pray, all bets are off. You can live with holy anticipation because you never know how or when or where God is going to answer, but promise you this, He will answer. And His answers are not limited by your
requests. We pray out of our ignorance, but God answers out of His omniscience. We pray out of our impotence, but God answers out of His omnipotence. God has the ability to answer the prayers we should have prayed but lacked the knowledge or ability to even ask.

Too often, I let doubt and fear run my prayer life.  It's time to move toward praying prayers that depend completely and boldly on God's power.  There is no place for doubt when His word is filled with so many promises...and God doesn't break promises.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."  ~John 14:27 ESV

Be Bold. Be Intentional. Be Obedient.

Rosetta Stone has made a goal for the new year; to teach 3 million people a new language.  "New Year. New Language. New You." is their slogan.  Every time I am running and listening to Pandora, I hear that commercial about 7 times (maybe it's time for an ad free upgrade?)  Really, Rosetta Stone?  Three million?  Seems kind of far fetched to me...


Last week a good friend mine, Holly, lost her husband unexpectedly.  I got an email from my friend Maya that said he had collapsed earlier that week, but that he had gotten much better and would be able to go home soon.  Holly got a call at school in the middle of the day with news that he was gone.  My first thought was of deep sadness and grief for Holly and her three kids.  But my thoughts were quickly redirected to thoughts of complete peace and happiness for Holly's husband, Bill.


Bill was happy.  I mean, like one of the happiest people I have ever met.  He would to talk to anyone, anytime, about anything.  He was smart, too.  He always treated me like he had known me for years.  Any friend of Holly's was a friend of his.  Holly and I taught together for three years at Blythewood High School.  Holly is very dedicated and organized when it comes to her job.  I always admired the way she held everything together.  

My last year at Blythewood was probably the hardest year of my life.  I was at rock bottom and felt like there was no one that could possibly pull me out of the mess I was in.  I remember one day feeling completely ready to give up.  Holly stopped by my room and we started to chat...about God.  I told her I was begging, crying, pleading with Him and He wasn't talking back.  He wasn't showing me the way.  He wasn't comforting me.  He wasn't telling me if divorce was the right thing or the wrong thing.  I could not hear Him AT ALL.  Holly told me, during that conversation, that she and Bill had only recently accepted Christ...I was floored.  I just assumed that everyone knew the gospel and some just chose not to listen.  I assumed that everyone knows who God is and what he has to offer us.  I assumed...and you know what they say about those who assume.  I realized at that moment, that there are people in the world that have never heard the good news.  People that aren't just far from God and can't hear His voice, but people that don't even know His voice exists.  Holly and Bill had raised three smart (extremely smart) kids and battled Bill's health problems for years, knowing nothing about Jesus.  I was being mentored and lead by a brand new Christ follower. 


At Bill's memorial service, his pastor was able to stand and share a letter that Bill had written only a few years ago that laid out his acceptance of Christ.  He recognized that he was a sinner and that the only way to God was through Jesus Christ who died on a cross to cover all of our sins.  How is that for grace?  No one in that room had to wonder if Bill was in heaven.  No one had any questions about what he put his faith in.  We all knew that Bill had received God's forgiveness and that Bill loved God with all of his heart, all of his soul, all of his mind, and all of his strength (Mark 12:30).  Then, we all stood and sang: 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


God's presence and grace overwhelmed me.


NewSpring Church recently began a new series called "All In".  As a church, we are all reading and studying a chapter of Acts each day.  God has really started to challenge me to go all in and let go of the attachments I have to my reputation or my friend's opinions.  I had hundreds of opportunities to tell Holly and Bill about Christ the first day, month, week, year that I met them...but I didn't.  Thank God someone was bolder than me and stepped out in faith to do what God has called us all as followers to do.  

Well, just like Rosetta Stone has a goal to teach 3 million, NewSpring has a goal to reach 100,000 for Christ.  If they believe they can reach 3 million for language, we should have absolutely no problem believing that we can reach 100,000 for the creator of language! I pray that each and every opportunity I get, from this point on, will be met with boldness and courage to tell people what I will never again assume they already know.  Will you join me?  Be bold. Be intentional. Be obedient. 

"Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness...After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken.  And they were filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." ~ Acts 4: 29-31