My Dad Always Said We Both Wouldn't Make It Through The Amazing Race Alive...

Watching "The Amazing Race" was a family affair.  Even though I've always been TERRIBLE with directions...and being on time...and not forgetting things, I always secretly hoped that if my dad really decided to try out for the show, that he would choose me as his partner.  After all, my sister wasn't so good at compromise and my brother didn't really seem to be as in to the show as the rest of us.  I thought for sure that my adventurous heart and my "easy going" nature (how jaded I was about myself!) would make me the number one choice in my dad's eyes.

Well my childhood dreams have come true!  My Father has chosen me and an amazing race it will be, but not the kind shown on television.  Not the kind with built in checkpoints where you receive your money, clues, travel and sleeping arrangements, and the freedom to choose your route for the next leg.  This is a race my heavenly Father has called me to.  A race with a chance to love, serve, pray, worship, work, disciple, give, teach, and lead.  A race to change lives.  A race to change me.  A race to know Him.  11 months. 11 countries: Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Philippines, Thailand, Cambodia, India, Nepal, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda.  A chance for life change.  A chance for love change.

There are so many "impossible" things that threaten to hold me back.  So many "what ifs/what abouts" from people around me.  "What about your new house?"  It'll be here.  "What about Slim Dog?"  She has always been pretty independent...she can take care of herself ;)  "What about your job?"  There will never be a shortage of struggling kiddos that need extra help.  I may not have the same job, but I trust the Lord to provide.  "What about your bills?"  What bills?  I'm selling my car, so no payments or insurance..so I'm good to go there!  "What about Jeff?"  I broke my commitment to God to pursue a relationship with him that I thought I was ready for.  I'm figuring out now, that the Lord told me to wait before (I disobeyed) and now He is telling me to wait again.  "You just received National Board Certification after all of that hard work, how could you walk away from that much money?" I'll miss out on one year of the stipend...what is one year?  All of the questions that everyone, including myself, continue to ask all make this experience sound impossible to pull off.  Impossible is just God's cup of tea.  

 God has been setting things up for this mission quite nicely.  Here is a quick rundown of the Lord's handiwork: applied and was not accepted to grad school at CIU (I would have never left in the middle of grad school), wrecked and totaled my car one payment shy of paying it off (teaching me that I should not store up my treasures on Earth) which makes selling the car I drive now to pay for the mission an absolute non issue,  National Board Certification (helps tie up some of the financial loose ends for the trip), and I'm sure there are more revelations to come over the next several months.  

God is good.  God is in control. And God has called me to meet him on an amazing race he has prepared for me.  I will lose the direction that the world sees as reasonable.  I will be late on the world's expectations of marriage, kids, career, etc.  And I will forget all that the world has taught me and focus on what He wants to teach me.  I AM the number one choice in my Father's eyes. 

Romans 5: 3-4 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

Not So Popular Perry

Perry...that was "his" name.  When I tell you who Perry is, you'll have two immediate thoughts: 1) That is gross. 2) Why on Earth would you blog about that?  Just bear with me while I explain...

Wren Matawaran

In the summer of 2011, I spent three weeks traveling through the Philippines, Thailand, and Singapore with some VERY dear friends of mine to celebrate their wedding. 

 **Side note** I recently have been blessed with this little treasure, whom I now proudly call my Goddaughter.

On this trip, I traveled.  I ate.  I got massages.  I ate some more.  I got pampered.  I ate.  I was welcomed and served by my friend's family.  Have I mentioned eating yet?  I saw creation like I have never experienced it before.  I traveled and ate some more.  I rode elephants, played with tigers, visited temples.  All the while, continuing to eat.  Here are some photos of the events described above...

Darkness to Light

You hide yourself 

deep inside my heart

To break me down 

That's where you start

Selfish, manipulative, and ugly deeds

You prey on my weaknesses

That's where you feed

Lord cure me of this sickness

Save me from this disease

This pride that fills me up inside

Father take it from me please

I want to live for you, My God

But myself gets in the way

I want to live for you, Oh Lord

Each and every day

So bury Yourself 

deep inside my heart

From me don't ever part

Replace this pride 

with love and peace

Cover my sins 

with grace that will never cease

You make yourself known every day

In every relationship you cause decay

Doubt, fear, and unbelief

You've done enough damage

caused enough grief 

Lord cure me of this sickness

Save me from this disease

Insecurity eats away at me

God save me from it please

Bury yourself deep inside my heart

From me don't ever part

Replace my insecurity

with strength and unwavering trust

Show me mercy through every trial

with a love that's true and just

I want to live for you, My God

But myself gets in the way

I want to live for you, Oh Lord

Each and every day

Insecurity and Pride are no longer for me

My truth is in You

My soul is set free 

My soul is set free

These Walls Are Built Like Jericho

These walls I've built for years and years
cemented together with hurt and with tears.
The higher they climb, the further the falls
Insecurities and fears are what make up these walls.

I've pleaded with God to take them away
to send in the troops, so that someone could stay.
I wait for the horn and the trumpet to sound
I wait for these walls to come crumbling down.

Why am I stuck here? Why can't I leave?
Why can't I read what He says, and believe.
I know He is marching outside of the gate
I just hope I find courage before it's too late.

Joshua 6:1-2 "Now Jericho was tightly shut up because of the Israelites.  No one went out and no one came in.  Then the Lord said to Joshua, "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands, along with its kind and its fighting men."

We Walk The Plank With Our Eyes Wide Open

People make mistakes.  Sometimes people make the same mistakes more than once.  But what is the difference between a believer's mistakes and a nonbeliever's mistakes?  They don't see things the way we see them.  They use standards set by society to determine right and wrong.  Their eyes are closed to the things we have been blessed to see.  But what is our excuse?  When we sin, we can't claim ignorance.  We can't profess that we didn't know.  When we get caught up in a stronghold of sin, we walk the plank with our eyes wide open. 

I've been struggling to understand the meaning of unconditional love, or agape love, from the giving and the receiving side.  Agape love is defined as selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love, the highest of the four types of love in the Bible.  Selfless. Sacrificial. Unconditional. Wow.  As humans, as sinners, is that really possible?  Through my experiences with family, friends, and relationships I have developed a strong skepticism toward this so called "unconditional love".  Unconditional love starts with understanding God's love and then loving yourself, not in an arrogant or self-absorbed way, but in a forgiving and understanding way.  My skepticism is rooted in an ongoing battle I continue to fight with insecurity...an inability to view myself as worthy of unconditional love or capable of unconditionally loving someone else.  I have always felt, and still feel, that if I "do something wrong" or disappoint someone, that is the end.  Their feelings, ideas, perceptions, and beliefs about me have changed and will not ever be the same again.  I live in fear of disappointing people...of disappointing God.  This fear permeates my relationships and daily interactions with people.  This fear is sin.  This fear is me questioning the Truth that God promises in the Bible.  I've been walking this plank for far too long.  I'm turning away from the violent sea that has hovered beneath me for many years and seeking an understanding of love that is patient, love that is kind.  Love that does not envy or boast, and that is not proud.  Love that does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, and is not easily angered.  Love that keeps no records of wrongs...no matter the size or severity of those wrongs.  Love that does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth...even if the truth hurts.  Love that always protects, ALWAYS trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  

"Many people have traveled this world with different dreams, purposes and aspirations. Many are masters, teachers, inventors and followers. They were all sent by the creator of the universe to achieve one just course; “global peace and unification.” But this course cannot be achieved without unconditional love, which possesses the magical powers of the Divine for transformation. When the human race embraces love unconditional, then the lost will be found, the naked will be clothed, the hungry will be fed, the bombs will be destroyed and there will be peace and unity which will make us all to speak one language, “LOVE”.  Let love abide  ." -Philip D. Brown

Quick Update...

Just a quick update on the progress toward the goals I set for myself this year...

Myrtle Beach Marathon- February 18, 2011  Completed

National Board Certification information due- March 31, 2011  Completed the portfolio entries, but not feeling confident about it...took the assessment portion last Thursday and did not prepare at all.  Procrastination got the best of me on this one.  The official word won't be out until November, but I feel sure I'll be going for round two next year. But a few extra prayers would be nice...

Take the GRE (ugh)- Sometime before March 31, 2011 Completed...and hated every second of it!

Apply to Columbia International for Masters of Arts in Counseling- Applications due March 31, 2011 Completed, but not accepted.  Long story, crappy situation...but bottom line...being divorced for only a year kept me from getting accepted to the program.  So what now?

Pay off debt- Before August 1, 2011 Still working on this one...slow and steady

Buy a house- Sometime in the next year Became very discouraged about this one after my first couple offers were not accepted, stopped looking for a while, seller called a month and a half later to say she would accept my last offer.  The loan closing process has been everything but smooth and exciting, but I sealed the deal and am officially a homeowner.  So excited to start making it my own:)

Mud Run- April 2011 Completed (I admit to being the weakest link, didn't keep up the running like I should have after the marathons) Looking forward to being a little stronger in October!

Get more involved at church and in the community Still have a lot more to do and a lot more to learn!

Remain single (and date free) for a year (October 21, 2011-October 21, 2012) Yeah, um..about that...I wish I could just backspace over this last goal and pretend like I had never made it, but here it sits.  For now, let's just say...it's complicated, in an absolutely uncomplicated way.

You Can't Play Hide and Seek

Hide and seek may have been fun back in the day, but I'm not really getting the same excitement out of these days.  My legs are too long to fit under the bed.  My laugh is too loud to keep quiet for that long and I am too tall to fold myself up into a plastic tub or box.  It's just no fun anymore.  No matter where I try to hide someone will still be able to see me, but here I lay underneath the bed with my feet sticking out from under it...hiding.  From who? I'm the only one playing...

Just as with Adam and Eve, sin sends us into hiding, running for the dark.  The more we allow it to permeate our lives, the deeper into the dark we try to hide.  The more we try to forget that we can still be seen.

I've been playing this game of hide and seek with God for the last three weeks or so (hence the reason I haven't blogged in so long).  I've had no inspiration.  I've allowed road blocks to send me running to the dark.  It's amazing how fast I've slipped after cutting the source of communication, His Word, out of my daily life.  I'm too tired, I'm working too much, I have deadlines to meet, etc have been a few of the lies that I've welcomed into my heart.  I feel like Paul in Romans 7: 15-19, "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."

Although it seems like Paul is hung up on his inability to do what he knows is right, he goes on to tell us of the grace and mercy offered through Jesus Christ.  I have no reason to hide in the dark.  God promises in Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." I've been playing the game all wrong.  I need to switch it up a bit.  I'll be 'it'.  I'll be the seeker.  I'm guaranteed the win when I play by His rules.

"Understand this, You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.  You are passionately hated by his Enemy." Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge"

In This Season

In the last month, I completed the Myrtle Beach Marathon, took the GRE, started leading my small group through the book of Romans and put an offer in on a house.  Then, to add a little icing to the cake, I also threw in the Columbia Famously Hot Marathon just for kicks.  You would think that, after crossing some major goals off of my list, I would feel empowered and motivated to keep pushing forward, right?  Well, it seems that the more I get accomplished, the more my focus shifts to the fact that I have no one to share these accomplishments with. 


I definitely am not going to let this post follow the "debbie downer" trend that it began with because, through a pretty rough week, God has revealed Himself to me in some pretty awesome ways.  Yes, I am confused about some aspects of my life.  Yes, I am not sure that the direction I am heading in is exactly where He wants me to end up.  Yes, I feel lonely and scared sometimes of what the future holds for me in terms of a relationship.  But...God is good, He is faithful, He keeps His promises and He promises that I will never be alone.  He promises that he has the best planned for me and that He is working everything together for my good and His glory.  


This weekend, the Truth that He is working everything together was made absolutely clear to me.  I may have blinked a little last week, but my eyes have once again been opened.  I'll elaborate...


To make a long story short...I have been trying to release certain feelings and attachments with a certain someone to God, so that I can be a true friend without a selfish agenda behind our friendship.  Last weekend, my friend made an innocent proposition about running the marathon together, but plans never materialized.  Nevertheless, I signed up for the Columbia Marathon on Thursday night after a week of letting anxiety, pride, anger and confusion rule my thoughts.  Bottom line, running the marathon was a chance to spend time together without breaking my "no dating" commitment and I was disappointed that it didn't happen.  

The entire week I was focused on me, which makes it extremely hard to focus on Christ.  I tried to read and study my Bible.  I tried to go to Him in prayer, instead of talking with other people about it, but fear just seemed to consume me.  I had even encouraged a lady in my small group, just a few days before, with Lamentations 3:22...and there I was allowing myself to be absolutely consumed. 


I had no plan for the race, no goal in mind.  I was just going to run out all of the emotions that had been building up the last few days.  I started the run with a small group of guys following the 4hr 15min. pacers.  The whole time I was running, I knew that to jump down from a 4:28 finish to a 4:15 finish on a much harder course (especially after not running more than a 5k since the marathon three weekends ago) was a little ambitious.  I decided to just hang with this group for as long as possible.  Andy and Joe were our Fleet Feet pacers.  They made running look fun.  They made running a marathon look easy...exhibit A

I tried to not focus on running and concentrated on listening to everyone's conversations about their next goals, their reasons for running, etc.  During those conversations, someone caught my attention with the mention of completing an Ironman.  Denny, a 59 year old Ironman, was running with his son, Kevin, in his first marathon...exhibit B

We all stayed together for the first lap (13 miles), but I began to slow down once we started to hit the hills for the second time.  I was so happy to find that Denny and Kevin had also taken a break from the pacing group.  Their encouragement to keep pushing and stay with them was absolutely inspiring.  I made small talk here and there, just to keep my mind from wandering to the pain.  Anytime I would start to slow down, they would continue at their steady pace and encourage me to catch back up.  I never let them get too far ahead because I knew I needed their encouragement to make it through.  Although I didn't have a t-shirt with my name, they made sure that each group of supporters we passed cheered for me by name as much as they cheered for them.  Two complete strangers had become my biggest fans.  They seemed dedicated to helping me beat my previous time.


The three of us finished the race in 4 hours and 28 minutes, 4 minutes faster than the Myrtle Beach marathon.  I asked Kevin for his email address because I wanted to be able to write and thank them for being so encouraging.  After the race, I was ready to let go of the feelings I had let drain me from the week before.  

Monday morning, I received an email from Kevin.  He had some pictures he wanted to share, as well as a neat website to help me keep track of my race results.  In one of the emails, Kevin mentioned that his dad, Denny, kept a blog of his training (denny.gillen.me) and that if I ever wanted to start logging my training online, they would love to follow.  I sent him the link to my blog, with the disclosure that it included many aspects of my life and was not specific to training.  I checked my email a few hours later and had this response from Kevin (I hope he doesn't mind me sharing a bit of it):

"I read through the first couple pages of entries on your blog.  It is great to see God's grace at work in your life. Sounds like a difficult year, but the growth has been tremendous.  Reading this confirms the suspicions that Dad and I had, that you, too, were a believer."


This email hit me like a ton of bricks.  Denny and Kevin ran with me in that race to remind me that, although I might not have someone to call my own, God has placed his people all around me to encourage me, comfort me and show me that I will never be alone.  

"The fulfillment of God's promise depends entirely on trusting God and his way, and then simply embracing him and what he does.  When everything seems hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God says he would do.  He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said."~ adapted from The Message Romans 4:16-21


So thank you again, Denny and Kevin, for opening my eyes to see God's grace and mercy at work around me.  "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." (1 Corinthians 9:24)  We have already run the race and we get to live every day with the prize!

"In this season, I am learning...You're not silent or slow.  If you only, give me more of You...it will always be enough.  You are the prize.  You are the prize." ~ lyrics from "Richly Loved" by Ashley and Travis Wright, http://wrightfamilymusic.bandcamp.com/track/richly-loved

When Hindsight Becomes A Hindrance

Jesus Christ died on the cross...for me.  Period. End of story, right?  Wouldn't things be so much easier if everyone knew that, believed and accepted that, and saw other people as someone Christ died for, as well? 

Unfortunately, we live in a society that never lets people forget when they make a mistake.  People's mistakes are printed in magazines, newspapers, posted on websites, social networking sites, etc.  When someone messes up, it somehow becomes everyone's business. 


Like most people, I have baggage.  If I were to take a trip, the amount of baggage I have would probably sustain me for quite some time.  When I was younger and my family would go on vacation, my dad would load all of our luggage on top of the car and we head down the road to our destination.  I always used to imagined the luggage falling off the back of the car and all of our stuff being scattered across the interstate.  Did I have anything in my bags that would be embarrassing for someone else to see?  Would I be able to clean everything up before anyone noticed that I had packed three Eeyore sweatshirts and fifteen different colored turtlenecks?


Getting back into the dating scene after being separated was definitely a scary place. I felt like my baggage was about to burst at the seams.  Not only had I made some extremely dumb decisions through college (that would definitely require some explanation), but now I had a pending divorce to add to my resume.  I tried really hard to convince myself that everything from my past was no one's business.  That it did not define me and I was not the same. The past should not matter and I should not have to share it with anyone.  I didn't want anyone to see what I had packed away and bound so tightly because, surely, it had no chance of spilling out on the interstate.


In the last year, I have realized the need to slowly start unpacking those bags and put away the embarrassing,  shameful, disappointing and guilt-ridden mistakes I made. Rehashing some of the situations and decisions I made in the past and "reliving" my journey through being lost, saved, distant and now home has brought out a lot of emotion.  I don't want to have to tell the person God has planned for me the things I've done.  I don't like looking back at who I used to be.  Especially knowing that, unlike God, people have a hard time letting go of past mistakes and failures.  People have a hard time seeing people for where they are going.  Instead, they see them for the crap they are carrying with them along the way.


God knew I would fail.  God knew I would make mistakes.  God knew I would disappoint someone at some point (or many points) in my life.  He knew all of those things and that is why he sent his only son to this earth...for me and every mistake I have ever made that has not honored and glorified Him as my Heavenly Father.  Hindsight is 20/20, but I won't let looking back take my focus off of God's plan for me in the future.  Instead of focusing on what was, I will focus on what is to come.  I will learn from my mistakes and then look ahead.  I will allow God to build my character, mold me and shape me through trials and tribulations.  I won't allow hindsight to be a hindrance by beating myself up with past mistakes.  I will meet someone that sees me through Godly lenses, instead of seeing me through the eyes of the world.  The debt has been paid and I am made brand new each day.  So I will just unpack my bags and make myself at home in the comfort of God's amazing grace and mercy.




"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~James 1:2-4

Don't Forget Where You Came From

4:00am came very early this past Saturday.  I tried not to think about the run, or the pain that I had been feeling on the entire drive down to the beach.  I fumbled around in the dark trying to get dressed without waking Michelle and the kids.  I was sure that in my sleepy haze I was going to forget something.  I was walking out the door right on time, which is rare for me, to wait for the cab out front.  


It was pretty cold outside when I got dropped off at the starting line, so I found a gas station to keep warm in until it was time to run.  It was about an hour before the start and a few people trickled in and out.  All I could do was stand there.  I didn't want to move.  I didn't want to warm up.  I didn't want to stretch.  I was trying to keep my mind away from anything that had to do with running.  About 15 minutes before the gun, the line for the restroom began to grow and the excitement and nervous energy from everyone permeated the entire place.  I still felt like I was half asleep, but I decided it would be best to jump in line for the restroom one last time.  


I was standing behind two girls who looked to be a couple of years older than me and in great shape.  They were talking about their training, past races and their goals for this race.  I listened for a while, then let the dumbest question ever come out of my mouth.  "So, you guys are ONLY doing the half today?" Insert foot into mouth.  I tried to blame that comment on the fact that I hadn't had any coffee yet, but they didn't seem amused.  The looks on their faces quickly reminded me where I had come from.  What was I talking about, "only".  I had never done any more than a half marathon before, so why was I trying to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal?  I remember when running 3 miles seemed like a lot.  I apologized for being an insensitive idiot and wished them both a good run, then walked away thinking, "Ok, big shot...now you've got to run 26.2 miles because running half of that would just be too easy."  


Why do we do that?  Why do we, once we reach a new level -whether in fitness, education, spirituality,  job status, etc.-, tend to totally forget what it took to get there?  And, even worse, why do we look down on those who aren't where we are...even though we used to be in that very same place?  


God has really been working in me these past few weeks to remind me that, although setting and accomplishing goals is important, we should not forget what it took to get there.  Physically, I have come a long way in the past few years.  I've gone from running a 5k here and there to running a few 10k's, two half marathon's and now a full marathon.  I went from not having ridden a bike since I was a kid to riding my bike across the state of Iowa...twice.  Spiritually, I've grown from a church goer to a Christ follower who has a deep and intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe.  

If I forget struggling through a 3 mile run, what makes running a marathon an accomplishment?  If I forget that I once struggled to complete an undergraduate program, what makes getting a Master's degree challenging?  If I forget that I once was extremely far from God and running in the opposite direction of His will, would I understand His grace as intimately as I do now?

Pay attention to those who are climbing the same ladder as you...even if they haven't quite reached the same heights.  Help, encourage and pray for them.  When we remember where we came from, the victories along the path to where we are going seem so much sweeter. 

"There was my name up in lights. I said, 'God, somebody's made a mistake.' But there it was, in lights. And I sat there and said, 'Remember, you're not a star.' Yet there it was up in lights." ~Marilyn Monroe

Goal vs. Expectation

Goal: The purpose toward which an endeavor is directed; an objective
Expectation: An attitude of expectancy or hope; anticipation


Can these words be used interchangeably?  What's the difference?  Does an expectation contain some sense of entitlement, while a goal is just something to strive for?  Are goals something we make for ourselves and expectations things that others hold us to?  I've been struggling with these two words for the last few weeks and I haven't completely nailed down the answer for myself.  


As much as I would like to convince myself that I have no expectations for the marathon tomorrow, my head has been consistently and constantly trying to convince me otherwise.


When things were going well in the training process, it seemed like a legitimate goal was to complete the marathon with an average pace of 8 minutes 30 seconds per mile.  I didn't mind that goal because it seemed like something I could accomplish and be proud of.  After two months of crazy pain and bad run after bad run, that pace seems to be completely out of the realm of possibility.  The breakdown in my legs has moved from my shins, to my calves, to my hips and now to my head.


I am more scared of mentally breaking down than physically.  I know it will be hard.  I know I will be tired.  I know I will be in pain.  But will I be able to make it through?  I keep telling myself that finishing will be the accomplishment.  It doesn't matter how long it takes.  But every time I have that thought, the mind games begin...and doubt takes a not so comfortable spot in the forefront of my mind.


I don't like setting a goal for my self and not reaching it.  I don't like changing goals in the middle of the process because it seems like I won't meet them.  I feel like changing the goal is making an excuse for not meeting the original goal...a way to avoid failure.  I feel the need to share my goals with other people to make sure there are people holding me accountable (which is where I think they turn into expectations?) Either way, whether voiced or kept silent, goals and expectations exist and they can either make or break you.


As I write, I feel humbled because I know that my feelings of anxiety and fear come from a place of pride and not lack of ability.  I am going to choose to swallow my pride and confess that my new goal (or expectation?) for myself is to finish the race. Period.  My motivation in the beginning was, and still is, "to work toward a goal that, without Him, would seem impossible."  So today I am going to be still and tomorrow I will just keep running.


"Be still and know that I am God." ~Psalm 46:10

No Need to Reinvent The Wheel

It's been a busy couple of weeks and I haven't had time to post.  However, I have been reading a lot of stuff that other people have blogged about.  So, I'm going to just share some of the things I've come across over the last few days...

 

Awesome...even if October comes and goes, I will continue to wait until I meet the person that understands this concept.  When God shows me that person, I want to be at a point that I continue to love Him more than him.

Along those same lines..."How Do You Know When You're Ready to Date?"

Another thing I want to have a strong handle on before I date again...boundaries.

"Without Boundaries, Your Life Will Suck"

If you struggle with this too, I highly recommend reading the book Boundaries, by Steve Townsend.  It brought up some ugly truths for me.  It's a daily struggle to keep from "people pleasing", but I can say that I've come a long way since reading this book.  Don't get me wrong, I still love to do things for other people. I have just realized that there is a healthier way to accomplish that....and the word "no" isn't a bad thing.

I just started a new read, Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  I've only made it through the first few chapters and it's already gotten my attention.  Here's a little preview...

Now here’s the good news: if you do pray, all bets are off. You can live with holy anticipation because you never know how or when or where God is going to answer, but promise you this, He will answer. And His answers are not limited by your
requests. We pray out of our ignorance, but God answers out of His omniscience. We pray out of our impotence, but God answers out of His omnipotence. God has the ability to answer the prayers we should have prayed but lacked the knowledge or ability to even ask.

Too often, I let doubt and fear run my prayer life.  It's time to move toward praying prayers that depend completely and boldly on God's power.  There is no place for doubt when His word is filled with so many promises...and God doesn't break promises.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."  ~John 14:27 ESV

Be Bold. Be Intentional. Be Obedient.

Rosetta Stone has made a goal for the new year; to teach 3 million people a new language.  "New Year. New Language. New You." is their slogan.  Every time I am running and listening to Pandora, I hear that commercial about 7 times (maybe it's time for an ad free upgrade?)  Really, Rosetta Stone?  Three million?  Seems kind of far fetched to me...


Last week a good friend mine, Holly, lost her husband unexpectedly.  I got an email from my friend Maya that said he had collapsed earlier that week, but that he had gotten much better and would be able to go home soon.  Holly got a call at school in the middle of the day with news that he was gone.  My first thought was of deep sadness and grief for Holly and her three kids.  But my thoughts were quickly redirected to thoughts of complete peace and happiness for Holly's husband, Bill.


Bill was happy.  I mean, like one of the happiest people I have ever met.  He would to talk to anyone, anytime, about anything.  He was smart, too.  He always treated me like he had known me for years.  Any friend of Holly's was a friend of his.  Holly and I taught together for three years at Blythewood High School.  Holly is very dedicated and organized when it comes to her job.  I always admired the way she held everything together.  

My last year at Blythewood was probably the hardest year of my life.  I was at rock bottom and felt like there was no one that could possibly pull me out of the mess I was in.  I remember one day feeling completely ready to give up.  Holly stopped by my room and we started to chat...about God.  I told her I was begging, crying, pleading with Him and He wasn't talking back.  He wasn't showing me the way.  He wasn't comforting me.  He wasn't telling me if divorce was the right thing or the wrong thing.  I could not hear Him AT ALL.  Holly told me, during that conversation, that she and Bill had only recently accepted Christ...I was floored.  I just assumed that everyone knew the gospel and some just chose not to listen.  I assumed that everyone knows who God is and what he has to offer us.  I assumed...and you know what they say about those who assume.  I realized at that moment, that there are people in the world that have never heard the good news.  People that aren't just far from God and can't hear His voice, but people that don't even know His voice exists.  Holly and Bill had raised three smart (extremely smart) kids and battled Bill's health problems for years, knowing nothing about Jesus.  I was being mentored and lead by a brand new Christ follower. 


At Bill's memorial service, his pastor was able to stand and share a letter that Bill had written only a few years ago that laid out his acceptance of Christ.  He recognized that he was a sinner and that the only way to God was through Jesus Christ who died on a cross to cover all of our sins.  How is that for grace?  No one in that room had to wonder if Bill was in heaven.  No one had any questions about what he put his faith in.  We all knew that Bill had received God's forgiveness and that Bill loved God with all of his heart, all of his soul, all of his mind, and all of his strength (Mark 12:30).  Then, we all stood and sang: 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


God's presence and grace overwhelmed me.


NewSpring Church recently began a new series called "All In".  As a church, we are all reading and studying a chapter of Acts each day.  God has really started to challenge me to go all in and let go of the attachments I have to my reputation or my friend's opinions.  I had hundreds of opportunities to tell Holly and Bill about Christ the first day, month, week, year that I met them...but I didn't.  Thank God someone was bolder than me and stepped out in faith to do what God has called us all as followers to do.  

Well, just like Rosetta Stone has a goal to teach 3 million, NewSpring has a goal to reach 100,000 for Christ.  If they believe they can reach 3 million for language, we should have absolutely no problem believing that we can reach 100,000 for the creator of language! I pray that each and every opportunity I get, from this point on, will be met with boldness and courage to tell people what I will never again assume they already know.  Will you join me?  Be bold. Be intentional. Be obedient. 

"Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness...After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken.  And they were filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." ~ Acts 4: 29-31

It's Funny How Things Change

I'm sure we've all watched a movie the second time and caught something we didn't see the first time.  Or listened to a song we didn't care for the first time we heard it, then couldn't take it off of repeat after we learned the words.  Read a book all the way through, then months or even years later read it again and got something totally different out of it.  It's funny how things change...

I have always wondered what I would do once I finished reading through the entire bible.  Do you just continue to read the same stories over and over again?  Doesn't it ever get old and monotonous?  Once you've learned the "lesson", what more is there to learn?

It's funny how things change...now that I actually spend time reading, I understand what people mean by 'the living Word of God'.  As circumstances change, as people move in and out of your life and as you grow and mature in your faith, your perspective changes.  I speak from personal experience.

Through some really hard times over the last two years, I clung to scripture related to hope and comfort, getting rid of anxiety and finding strength.  Now, I can read those verses and take a whole new meaning from them.  I listen to songs and hear a totally different message through the lyrics.  For example, the Elevation Worship song, Give Me Faith, used to speak to my heart in reference to the need for confession and repentance of sexual sin.  "I may be weak, but Your spirit's strong in me.  My flesh may fail, but my God you never will"...hit me in the gut and heart every time.  Even though I was in the Word, going to church and getting involved, it was still something I couldn't surrender.  

Hearing that song today, sends my mind to a totally different place.  I think of it when I feel completely exhausted and have no motivation to get out and run.  I may be weak, but His spirit's strong in me.  And my flesh (particularly my legs!) may fail, but my God never will.  All I am, I surrender...
  
 It's funny how things change...because of Him.


"It's okay to not be okay when you get here, it's just not okay for you stay not okay.  Growing people change." ~Pastor Perry Noble, NewSpring Church

Push Through The Pain

My new best friend's name is Alan.  He will be extremely excited to know that he is getting a shout out in another blog...but he deserves the attention.  I talk to Alan every other week or so and I usually leave him feeling like I've been run over by a mack truck (in a good way).  I would probably choose seeing Alan over a double chocolate chunk cookie-wich at Insomnia (which, by the way, will change your life).

Ok, Alan really isn't my friend.  Actually, I have to make an appointment and pay to see him.  He is a masseuse at Massage Envy on Forest Drive that is extremely knowledgeable about anything that has to do with running and injury prevention.  He has told me all about why certain injuries happen with runners and how to prevent/fix them.  He explained about the build up of lactic acid and metabolic waste in your muscles and how to flush all of that goop out to allow your muscles to breathe while you run.  Very interesting stuff.  The last massage I had with Alan was definitely not a feel good massage.  It was PAINFUL.  I knew I was in for it when he said, "ok, you might want to take a deeeeep breathe for a sec."  OUCH!  

So why all the pain when I haven't even been able to run? Well, because after suffering through an hour and a half of pain, I was able to run for 4 miles yesterday without any! Success on the other side of pain.

Life is full of "metabolic waste" that will try to choke and smother you so that you can't move.  Try to convince you that you can't accomplish what you have set out to do.  After my little success of 4 miles, I would sit through 12 more hours of pain if it would help me reach my goal to run the marathon in February.  

When life challenges you with pain, push back.  Push through the pain....physical, spiritual, emotional.  Push through-with the understanding that God promises His best on the other side.  Push through-relying on His strength and not your own.  Push through-confident in His ability to make all things new.  But most importantly, after He delivers you, go tell the world for His glory.

"God you lifted me out, God you lifted me out...and I'll tell all the world." ~ Elevation Worship Album: Awaken

Suffering and Setbacks

"Do you want the good news, or the bad news?" the doctor asked me.  Personally, I would like for no news to ever start out with, "Do you want the good news, or the bad news?"  As he laughs at the irony of the new tattoo on my foot (which says, "keep running"), he goes on to tell me the good news first.  The x-rays show no sign of a stress fracture in either leg.  Fantastic!  I love the good news:)  

Then comes the 'but'.... "but, contrary to what your foot now tells you, you have some nasty shin splints and you should actually STOP running and give your legs time to heal completely."  I tried, to no avail,  to convince him that I had already taken enough time off and given my legs plenty of opportunity to heal.  Apparently, "my body is trying to tell me something...blah blah blah". 

Setbacks suck.  You can make a plan, prepare and work your butt off just to hit a wall, a road block, a detour.  I have 6 weeks to finish training for the Myrtle Beach Marathon (that in my stubbornness I still registered for Monday after returning from the doctor).  What now?

Does God put roadblocks up to turn us away- allow us to give up?  Does He allow us to experience setbacks so that we question if what we are following is His will and plan for our lives?  Are the detours there because we aren't listening and God wants to send us in a different direction?

To be honest, I think the answers to each of those questions could be different from person to person and circumstance to circumstance.  I believe that sometimes God does ask us to give up on a plan we have made for ourselves...because we've made that plan for ourselves and not for His kingdom and glory.  I also think that God sets up detours to remind us that we should always be looking to Him for guidance, for our next step and direction.  I believe that God allows us to suffer and struggle through setbacks (although He is with us through every step) so that when we overcome them, He is the only one worthy of the credit.

I am still praying through this minor roadblock.  Whatever direction He shows me, I will obey.  Even if if means I don't run on February 18th.  Yes, I will be disappointed if that is His answer.  Yes, I will be embarrassed that I failed.  Yes, I will feel like a quitter.  'BUT', I will have peace knowing that often times God changes our direction to prepare us for something bigger than we could've planned on our own. 

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

Wow..started this post a few days ago, but wasn't feeling it until tonight.  After I finished writing, I went to my bible and devotional to find a verse to share.  Opened my devotional to today's passage....

No matter which way it goes, God is still God and God is still good.

It's Not About Me (Or You)

Honestly, I have never considered myself to be selfish, self-centered, egotistical, etc.  If anything, I have been a doormat for that type of person to wipe their feet on as they made their way through life on THEIR terms.  The dumb part was...I was completely ok with that.  I thought it made me a good person because I put other people's needs, wants and desires ahead of my own.  I would "sacrifice" my happiness because seeing someone else happy was more important.  I was afraid to stand up for myself.  I was afraid to give my opinion (because who would actually listen to it anyway, right?).  I didn't like giving people advice because I feared that if it was wrong, I would be responsible for the outcome!  So if you are nodding your head in agreement thinking, "I totally get where you are coming from.  I feel the same way"...um..you're a doormat. And if you are sitting there thinking that you can't understand how someone could think or feel that way...well then I hope you fall somewhere in between the two extremes and not in the "selfish" category (which you probably would never admit to anyway).

Recently, I watched a series done by Andy Stanley from NorthPoint Community Church in Atlanta, Georgia that referenced the story of John the Baptist.  I had a vague idea of the story, but really started to relate to him a lot more after watching this series and reading a little more on my own in the gospels.  John could have made himself comfortable in Jerusalem enjoying a portion of the offerings being brought by the people to God.  Instead, he chose to head out into the wilderness, dress himself in coarse camel's hair and live off of the land, eating only locusts and wild honey.  Every time he was questioned about who he was, he always answered by telling people about Jesus.  He was totally and completely sold out for Christ. On a side note, check out Luke 1:39-41.  John the Baptist was excited about Jesus before either of them were even born.  Jesus himself said, "I tell you the truth:  Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist".  So Jesus was pretty impressed with John as well.  

John was all about Jesus...until his circumstances changed and he was put in prison.  The disciples would come visit John and tell him all of the great things that Jesus was doing, and John started to wonder, "but what about me?".  He actually sent the disciples to ask Jesus, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?"  In other words, "Yeah I know I was praising you before, but now I'm in jail and you aren't doing anything to help ME out...soooo you must not be who you say you are."  Wow, John was definitely not a doormat.

Like John the Baptist, we all get stuck in our struggles, set backs and disappointments.  We surround ourselves with an attitude of, "what's in it for me?".  On the flip side, as doormats, we focus our attention on making everyone else around us happy and forget our place in the world altogether.  Jesus had a simple answer for John, "go back and report what you hear and see: the blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor".  Focus your eyes on Christ and the things He is doing in the world around you instead of wasting time pouting about what He is not doing for you.  It wasn't about John the Baptist and if you don't know the story, well, things didn't end well for him (see Matthew 14).  It's not about me and it's not about you.  Ditch the doormat status.  You will never be able to make some people happy.  And get over yourself, you are the way you are because HE made you, not because of anything you've done on your own.  After reading this story, you might look at John's life and ask, why did Jesus let him just die in prison?  And my answer to that question is, so that thousands of years later I could read his story and understand that no matter what circumstances I face...God is doing amazing things...and it's about Him, not me.

Live generously, justly, and honestly today, as a mere stagehand to the main character in this drama: Jesus.  ~The Message//Remix:Solo